Sometimes, don’t you just want to disappear?

This is a late blog post. We didn't have internet until a few days ago. Written on the 30th of July.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday evening, 29^th of July, when my mom and dad arrived, they started fighting about a fcking television remote control. We couldn't find it but seriously? It’s JUST a remote controller. They started shouting at each other, and at me, too. My dad also woke up my younger sibling because he was the one who hid it.

As growing up, I never really heard my parents fight, and never did they shout at us like that. I never thought that this kind of thing was going to happen to our family. I wasn't used to being shouted at, and loud sounds irritate me.

I felt like my world was falling apart last night, I still do, at this hour, to be honest. I started crying, I cried for more than an hour or two. I couldn't stop. I was cursing, though I should not be doing so, and crying and I was wishing for me to be dead. I feel like this family would be happier without me, I always do. I have a lot of plans for their lives and mine, but I hate this, I’d rather be dead and feel nothing than cry every night feeling sorry for myself and having no one to tell these things to.

I love my family so much even if I’m not that close to them. They’re pretty much all I have for the rest of my life. I wish we could go back to being a happy family. I wish that happiness will overcome the sadness in this family. I hope we would start going to church together again. I just want to be back.

---------- # ---------- # ---------- # ---------- # ---------- # ---------- # ---------- # ---------- # ---------- 

Today, 30^th of July, I went to school, a bit late, to be honest. Mehehe~ I laughed at everything there was to laugh about. People around me were actually telling me to stop because I laughed too much. I just told them that I am problematic and I just want to laugh to hide what I was feeling. I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday, I wanted someone to listen to me, and comfort me if ever I cried, but I couldn't really. They know me as someone who is always happy and such. I always smile. I told what happened last night to a friend, though I wanted to detail it more, it’s too embarrassing. We’re not so close to tell my own problems and such. Ah~ But I really did laugh a lot. He-he~ It was fun, the pain was put away for a while, but now that there’s no internet here as I am typing this, It’s getting lonelier and lonelier. It’s getting hard for me to breathe as well. Someone save me. :(